Adolescent Psychology: The Parent Version

The recent 9th grade PTO/B-PEN presentation featured parenting expert Joani Geltman discussing adolescent development and navigating tricky conversations with teenagers. With humor and compassion, she offered insight into what is happening in your child’s brain during moments of heightened emotion and how to deal with the disproportionate reactions that can cross boundaries and push parents’ buttons. She also offered practical advice for how to communicate in ways both compassionate and effective. 

Key Takeaways

-  Three BHS juniors in the Peer Leadership program offered reassurances that despite the apprehension they felt at the start of 9th grade, they all were able through trial and error to settle in through making new friend groups, joining clubs, and participating in sports and other extracurricular activities. In addition to finding other students with whom they had shared experiences, they encouraged building relationships with teachers. One offered that it really helps foster connections to get the confidence to speak up in class, and another reflected that students will mature to grow past gender barriers and stereotypical activities if they do what they love to do. They will find a larger community. 

-  Geltman says look at parenthood at this age as an exciting journey. Take a deep breath, as this is discovery year for them to be challenged in new ways. Kids often uncommunicative as go through developmental changes, but trust your gut on how your kid deals with stress – you know them best. 

-  During the teen years, the rapidly developing brain’s amygdala (emotional center) is at its highest activation, like a volcano just waiting for something to cause it to explode. Adolescents are experiencing overload – new feelings, new thoughts, new friends, new worries – complicated by social and academic worries (new expectations) and the unsettled state of today’s world -- they may feel unsafe, feel anxiety, agitation, loss of control.

-  Their overreactions to things can seem personal, and shifts in your relationship can feel like a loss, but don’t feed into heightened emotion – stay calm and objective. 

-  Behavior can contradict what teens are actually feeling – vulnerability is hard for them. Anger is an easier emotion than sadness/introspection/fear. But rather than responding emotionally, de-escalate in calm voice (“you seem upset today”) and validate that they may be having a reaction they can’t control. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

-  In opening conversations, think about what your goal is when asking questions (get information, gauge emotion, etc.) Lead with curiosity/interest, not lecturing or interrogating, and encourage self reflection, problem solving. Listen for cues to get to subtext of feelings.

-  They are thinking about relationships in ways they haven’t before. They are trying on different personalities as part of identity development – it’s a time for separation and individuation, finding their own path to adulthood. Pulling away is normal.

- Arguing more is developmentally appropriate as they analyze and process information.

 “Gotcha” Argument
- Kids notice parents aren’t perfect and that gives them power, may start being                sarcastic, sound mean, disrespectful, push your buttons (FYI – “67” is a meaningless response)
- Take away that power of hurting your feelings – hug them, make it into a joke (“You’re so cute when you’re being a brat!”)

“No” Argument
- Before you say no to pushing limits, make sure it’s not a knee jerk reaction – is it really unsafe or unreasonable?
- If you always say no, they’ll find a way to do it anyway/won’t ask you anymore
Keep calm tone -- “I get it…” and give reason in one sentence (not safe, etc.). Express
understanding and respect for their request, feelings of disappointment, etc.
- Shrug can effectively end the conversation – don’t re-engage.

“Pushing buttons” Argument
- When you’ve lost it and you’re both overly emotional, consider saying, “We’re both out of control right now, let’s take a break” and back away. If child follows you into your room, consider “I’m going to take a shower” and start undressing
- You’re teaching them de-escalation, conflict resolution skills
- When you go back to it, let them speak first - “Tell me what you want me to hear.”

“Crossing the line” Argument
- For verbal escalation, swearing, outright disrespect, calmly say “I’m really surprised that you would say that” and walk away, completely disengage. You do not need to lecture them; they know they were disrespectful.
- Next time they come to you for something, say “I would love to but yesterday you said
‘xyz,’ so it’s not going to happen today. Maybe tomorrow.”
- Relationships are reciprocal, so it shows actions have consequences. That gives you the control and power.

The developing teen brain is not good at thinking things through, and that leads to impulsive, risky behavior – experimentation, acting on emotions in the moment. With all their distractions, they are not good at sequential thinking – “if this happens…then…” So don’t tell them what to do or “fix” their issues, but rather encourage them to think/plan for themselves, reinforce thinking ahead of time, strategizing situations, responsibilities – “What will you do if…? What’s hard for you? How do you plan to get this done?” Observe where issues seem to arise, patterns. Walk through situations and possible game plans and discuss expectations/consequences. Help them problem solve – ask what are the obstacles and what can you do differently?

For behavior that is not safe/acceptable, start conversations with understanding – “I get how this might have happened” but still impose consequences. Consider “What’s your safety plan for tonight?” May want to have a “no questions asked at the moment” policy for calls when in trouble, maybe a code word to still save face. Give kids an option to be honest.

Conformity/peer pressure are powerful motivators, regarding sex, substance use, social networking, etc. Teens are hyper self-conscious and self-involved, like there is an “imaginary audience,” and they feel pressured into adopting behaviors and roles (the funny one, the stylish one, etc.) They are posers, especially on social media. Conforming helps them feel safe, blend in. Ask them what that’s like for them, what’s motivating them, but be willing to take a stand, share values.

Dramatic rise in anxiety and depression. Take a deep breath – 9th grade is a year of transition. Ask if there is anything you could be doing differently as a parent to be more supportive, and be open to criticism. Try not to feed into their insecurity.

Keep your house safe for your kids – careful with meds, alcohol, marijuana. Talk about
expectations when parents aren’t home, don’t leave kids alone at home for weekend. Talk about what to do if a friend is in trouble with substances.

Find activities to do together. Even if it’s out of your comfort zone, be receptive to places of connection, doing things together they like to do. Be creative and find ways to get them into settings of relaxation so you both can be more open. There is still a little child inside teens that likes to be with their parents.

Time management issues are about problem-solving. Observe how it’s a problem (phones, sleep, relationships, etc.) and understand how your teen works best – maybe needs down time before digging into work, may work better in morning or night, etc. to help them craft their own solution. When time management becomes your problem, stop rescuing them and let them deal with the consequences.

Acknowledge that the world is scary for all of us but give them the competence and confidence that they can handle it by letting them practice making decisions. That’s how you build resilience.
 

​To contact Joani Geltman and for more information, visit her website.
Check out this slide presentation.
​Joani's YouTube channel
Joani's Blog
Check out her 2023 presentation on Adolescent Psychology
(for best sound quality, we recommend listening with headphones)